"So that

nobody will never know what you mean to me."

I keep my mouth shut, even when my heart is screaming for help. I fake a smile, and I pretend that I don´t care, but I do; cause all I know right now is that I want you. You might play with me, you might love the game; the way you move foward and how beautifully I elusive. But inside my head all I want is to let you get really close, and that´s how you get me, cause you´re doing what nobody could, you destroy a part of me that nobody knows and I let you do it. You´re too close to my heart, and that´s what kills me cause I can´t handle with love. People tend to think that I don´t even have a heart, but somehow you found it, and I don´t know how to fake or escape that. It doesn´t matter, cause I will keep smiling, keep faking, keep pretending that I don´t care until It became truth. And that´s ok, cause for everyone in the world (including you), I´m just living crazily my life, when actually I am dying, dying for you.

It´s so hot in here

I can´t even distinguish the sweat from the tears. I can´t barely open my eyes, it´s all blurry, and sore. I should maybe keep my eyes closed... Letting the tears and the sweat wash my face and my heart. This heat is making me crazy. But even without that I should keep my eyes closed. So that I won´t see what you´re doing with me, some people would call it cowardice, I call it self protection. Cause I can´t stand what you´re doing to me. I mean The heat, I can´t stand the heat...


The rain is comming, I can feel it.

Clear portuguese

Não to acostumado com esse tipo de coisa. Com o frio na barriga e desespero na última ponta do meu hollywood. Não to acostumado a ficar sem palavras, as quais domino tão bem... Não lembro de ter permitido que você levasse contigo a minha paz de espírito. Pois comigo ela não está, nem no fundo das minhas garrafas nem nos últimos tragos do meu maço. Lembro-me muito bem de um beijo roubado, e um minuto de silêncio. E depois disso, não me lembro de nada mais. Fico remoendo dentro de mim esses momentos, e até parece que eu sou homem de remoer coisas... Não sou. E não lido nada bem com isso; como quando você vem e me diz que quer e eu só digo "tudo bem". Não sou grosso nem frio porque quero. Sou porque não aprendi a ser diferente. E sinceramente, você tem que parar te tentar me ensinar. Eu vou gostar de você eventualmente. Porque na verdade, eu já estou apaixonado. Aliás, apaixonado não. Afinal um homem que nem eu não ama, um homem que nem eu não chora. Um homem...

Que nem eu.

Não é ?

My frozen

lake.

That´s what you mean to me.

Got it ?

And for

the tiniest moment´s I love you

And I got my defenses when it comes to your intentions for me. You say I´m bad, but I learned it all from you. I have to be wicked with you, or else I will love you more than I can handle. And it will end badly; when you´re absence starts to hurt me, you won´t be able to be here for me, cause I won´t let you stay around. That´s because I´m fucking afraid of love you. Your love is dangerous, I can feel that; but someday in all my madness I will take a risk, even knowing that you will never love me back. You better be prepared for all the madness and all the reckless actions cause until that day, I will keep this love very hidden. Hidden in my words of despair and rudeness.


Hidden love ~

I am

just a fucked up girl

That wants some peace of mind. People tend to expect so much on me, tend to take my words as true, they want to fix me. And understand me, all my mistakes, people want to explain them, my rudeness... "Her rudeness is only on the outside" they keep saying, but they never try to reach the inside. "It´s funny the way she smiles, it´s cool how she can keep everyone around but never too close." They talk and talk but nobody ever tried to get really close. It´s easy to say that I am cold, when nobody try to fell my heat, when they are afraid of getting hurt. Well I am afraid too, that´s why I am always keeping people away. One day somebody will be brave enough to break all walls and finally know what I really am, what I am made of. Until then, they will keep saying, keep expecting and keep failing.

Forget

I wish I could, I wish it was easy as it sems; but it´s just not.

Peace. It´s just what I want in my mind, not you. Instead, you is what I got here. Funny the way I lie to you, and the way you lie back to me. Keeping you away is an art, specially when everything else wants you around. fucked up. Is what defines me better. The drunkness, the euphoria, is all part of the mess that I am. I should say... I am really happy in all that sadness. You say that I´m a bad person, that I am such a son of a bitch a "pirate". Well... I was always attracted to things that everyone thought bad, disgusting, sad and disappointing. It´s sad the way I feel happy, but is unique. It might sound fake, but I know how much fucked up I am, and how good I can fell about that. It makes me laught and it´s made to cry... That´s the truth, deal with it. Memories in my body, a cigarette in my hand and a big evil smile in my face. Don´t be scared, that´s just me.

I could be happy.

But I won´t let you know. I won´t ever let anybody know.

The thing is: I always choose the only thing that will make me miserable, throwing away all the ones that could made me happy. It´s sad, but it´s also the irrefutable truth. It´s funny the way I trick myself, doing exactly what makes me feel bad, loving the only person that will not love me back. Doing what I couldn´t, shouldn´t, wouldn´t do, but I do it anyway. "Lebensgefahr", is how I like to call it. Don´t caring, is the best thingh I can do. And reckless is the way it´s gotta be. People say that I´m lonely, I keep people away cause I don´t like them around, trying to fix me, understand me; and never trying just to like me the way that I am. It might be hard sometimes you know ? But only like this, I know who really like me, who can see beyond the rudeness, the neglect. Sometimes, be alone is what makes us special, it´s also what makes us miserable. Everyone has a story to tell right ? I have mine, but only when I am alone.

You

Have the sweetest heart ever.

Well, I don´t. Actually, I might have, but it is very well hiden. You keep trying to put it out. I can´t do this, you know ? It´s so much easier to hate you hate ever single piece of you. Every look that you gave me, every word, every touch. Everything that I might love; I do my best to hate. So we can move on, in a way that I don´t have what I really want, but I will content myself with the little part of you that I "have" and I´ll never let this little part go.

Please

just save me from this darkness.

Even knowing that maybe this darkness is all because of you, I like to think that you have the light to guide me out of here.